The Do's and Don'ts When Talking to Someone Struggling with Infertility

Infertility can be a deeply painful and isolating experience. Well-meaning friends and family often don’t know what to say—or say the wrong thing despite good intentions. At Messy Bun Therapy, we believe in fostering sensitive, supportive conversations around hard topics like infertility. So let’s talk about the do’s and don’ts when you're supporting someone walking this path.

💬 The Do’s:

✅ Do Listen Without Trying to Fix

Sometimes, the best support is simply holding space. Resist the urge to offer quick solutions or advice. Saying “I’m here if you want to talk” can be far more comforting than a list of options or “have you tried…” suggestions. There may be days they want to talk and talk and talk about their fertility journey and there may be days it is the last thing they want to talk about, provide the space for both.

✅ Do Validate Their Feelings

Infertility can stir up grief, shame, guilt, jealousy, and hopelessness. Affirm their emotions with phrases like:

• “This must be so hard.”
• “It makes sense that you’re feeling this way.”
• “You don’t have to go through this alone.”

Even an “I’m sorry this is happening to you, it sucks”. Yes, your sorry can’t fix anything, but you can acknowledge their experience, I promise it’s not just a simple platitude.

✅ Do Ask How You Can Support Them

Everyone’s needs are different. Some want to talk about it. Others don’t. Ask open-ended questions:

• “Would you like to talk about how things are going?”
• “How can I show up for you right now?”

Also, understand they may not really have an answer to those questions so here are some easy ways to support them that they may not have the capacity to communicate

• A girls night out to distract them
• A gift card for a coffee
• A comfort meal
• Cozy slippers or pajamas or even a cozy robe.
• Being the one to change the topic if people bring up getting pregnant or their infertility struggles, it shouldn’t always be their job to get people to stop talking about it.

✅ Do Respect Their Privacy

Infertility can feel very personal and vulnerable. If someone shares with you, treat it as an honor. Don’t share their story with others unless explicitly given permission. Your friend might ask you to be the one to inform people because resharing their story is exhausting and hard. You can ask them exactly what they would like you to share with others if they ask and then that’s all you share.

✅ Do Educate Yourself

Learning about the basics of fertility treatments or common struggles can go a long way. It shows effort, empathy, and a willingness to understand what your loved one might be facing.

❌ The Don’ts:

🚫 Don’t Offer Unsolicited Advice or “Miracle Cures”

Avoid saying things like:

• “Just relax, and it’ll happen!”
• “My friend got pregnant after she stopped trying.”
• “Have you tried [insert random treatment]?”

These can come off as dismissive and minimize the very real medical and emotional aspects of infertility.

🚫 Don’t Make Assumptions

Not everyone struggling with infertility wants children biologically, or at all. Not everyone will choose IVF, surrogacy, or adoption. Trust your loved one’s choices, even if they look different from what you’d expect.

Also, be mindful of questions like, “So when are you going to have a baby?” or “Are you trying yet?” These seemingly innocent questions can be incredibly painful for someone dealing with infertility, miscarriage, or reproductive challenges. It’s a deeply personal subject, and those questions can unintentionally bring up shame, pressure, or grief. Honestly, my best advice is just don’t ask, that person will bring it up if they want to.

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🚫 Don’t Compare Their Journey

Everyone’s story is unique. Comments like “At least you’re still young” or “It took us a while too, but it worked out” might feel invalidating or pressure-filled.

🚫 Don’t Force Positivity

Toxic positivity like “Everything happens for a reason” can feel like a slap in the face. It’s okay to sit in the discomfort with them rather than trying to reframe it right away.

🚫 Don’t Forget About Your Friend

As time passes, the world keeps moving—but their pain might remain. Check in. Send a text. Remember important dates (like loss anniversaries or treatment days). Even if they don’t respond, your care matters.

🫶 Final Thoughts from Messy Bun Therapy:

Infertility is more than a medical diagnosis—it’s an emotional journey. Your words can either offer healing or unintentionally deepen the hurt. By approaching your loved one with empathy, curiosity, and compassion, you become part of their support system instead of another trigger.

And if you’re the one struggling with infertility: You deserve support that honors your pain, your boundaries, and your dreams. Therapy can be a safe space to hold your grief and your hope. You're not alone here.

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