When Independence Feels Like a Setback

You’re not alone if their ‘I do it myself’ era has you questioning everything

There’s this ironic little moment in parenting that no one really warns you about — the one where your child finally starts becoming more independent, and instead of it being a breath of fresh air it knocks the wind right out of you.

You want them to do more on their own. You need them to. Because honestly? You’re tired of being asked for snacks every 14 seconds. You fantasize about not having to accompany every bathroom break like a tiny, unpaid security guard. You crave normalcy, whatever that even means anymore and you tell yourself it’s coming.

And then it does.

They start dressing themselves, but not in the outfit you laid out. They insist on pouring their own cereal, and now the dog is eating Honey Nut Cheerios off the floor. They don’t want your help zipping up their jacket, and they definitely don’t want to hold your hand in the parking lot.

You’re finally getting what you said you wanted independence and somehow, it feels harder. Everything takes a little longer. Things aren't done "right".

Because independence in toddlers, preschoolers, and early elementary-aged kids isn’t graceful. It’s not a clean break. It’s messy, slow, and full of tiny power struggles. Their desire to do it “ALL BY MYSELF” collides with your desire to just get out the door on time without a meltdown. And suddenly, the “normal” you’ve been craving feels further away than ever.

The Emotional Whiplash

If you’ve ever stood in the kitchen watching your child struggle to open a yogurt pouch for four full minutes  while your inner monologue screams, JUST LET ME DO IT you’re not alone.

There’s a weird emotional whiplash in this phase. One moment you’re celebrating their growth. The next, you're frustrated that their newfound independence slows everything down, makes everything louder, messier, more exhausting.

And buried in all of that? Grief.

Grief for the baby who needed you every second. Grief for the version of you who felt a little more in control. And if we’re really honest, grief that your child needing you less doesn’t always feel as freeing as you hoped.

So, What Do We Do With All These Feelings?

We breathe. We pause. We remember that emotional regulation isn’t just for them  it’s for us, too. Don't forget the power you have in co-regulation!

Because as much as our kids are learning to be their own little people, we’re also re-learning how to be ourselves. Outside of them. Alongside them. And that’s a huge emotional ask.

So the next time you feel your patience slipping as your kid insists on buckling their own car seat for the fifth time this week  take a breath. Let your messy bun be the symbol of grace in the chaos. Not polished. Not perfect. Just real.

A Few Grounding Thoughts for the Hard Days:

• It’s okay to want space and still miss the closeness of the early years.
• It’s okay to let them try, even if it’s slower and sloppier.
• It’s okay to step in, when your sanity (or safety) is on the line.
• It’s okay to feel both pride and panic as they grow up right in front of you.

You don’t need to perform calmness. Just practice it, imperfectly, with love.

And when you lose it because you will take a moment later to whisper, “That was hard. I’m learning, too.” And remember, you are still a great mom!

Because we are. We’re all just figuring it out  one messy bun, one cereal spill, one deep breath at a time.

Need more real talk and reminders you're not alone? Subscribe to Messy Bun Therapy because sometimes the therapy is just knowing you're not the only one whisper-screaming in the minivan.

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